Support grieving relatives and children: Our tips

Support the bereaved: 7 tips

The tips we are providing below must therefore not be regarded as universal measures that can facilitate every mourning process, but rather as a toolbox that may be more suitable for one grief journey than for another. Depending on the needs and wishes of the grieving person. Therefore, proceed with caution and take no offense when being told "no".

1. Approach the mourners: The first thing you need if you want to support an adult or children in their grief process is a dash of courage. This is owed to the fact that our fast-paced and highly polished society leaves little room for topics such as grief, death or loss. Which means: We push them away and do not want to talk about them. As a result, people often have a hard time when they are suddenly confronted with the responsibility of supporting loved ones in mourning. But, just as with administering First Aid: Doing nothing is always counterproductive. There are also many who fear that a direct response or touch could rekindle the mourner’s grief and cause them to burst into tears. But, the opportunity to show their emotions honestly is helpful for those affected. Keep this in mind and become involved in the grief process of your friend or family member. Because when mourners notice that you fail to take their grief seriously or even try to avoid them, they often feel left alone.
2. Avoid cheap phrases: "Everything will be fine" or "Don't beat yourself up" - these are phrases we often blurt out quickly. Too quickly. The reasons is that they lead us back to where we as a society end up all too often anyway: to a realm where death or negative feelings have no place. Therefore, refrain from using platitudes that downplay the grief in an attempt to provide solace, because they hurt more than they comfort or help. Rather, respect the pain and, if in doubt, choose to say instead: “I don’t even know what to say, but I am here for you, and you can talk to me about anything. I will be happy to listen.” Even joining the bereaved in keeping silent may help. We have to admit: This is often easier said than done, but definitely worth a try. Show restraint and focus on the other person. Many relatives make the mistake of wanting to share their own encounters with death and grief with the mourner, but this is not effective.
3. Let actions speak: As words generally come slowly in these situations away - it may be helpful to focus on actions instead. Small gestures often carry major significance. Take the grieving person into your arms, bring them flowers or a cake or invite them to go on a walk with you. Some are also happy to accept invitations to concert evenings or a shopping spree. But be careful: Do not be disappointed if mourners turn down your offer to talk or to help. A "no" is perfectly fine and needs to be accepted. It is also common for the bereaved to lack the strength to cope with their household. In that case, you can support them by helping out with cooking, shopping, or cleaning.  
4. Listen actively: Many mourners are grateful if you simply keep them company and listen. Also, do not be afraid to ask questions while being with them. It is curious to learn how few dare to ask the most obvious question: How are you doing? Also keep in mind that many mourners find it most helpful to experience that they are being understood. And if they can be sure that there is a place where they can talk openly about all of their emotions. This inevitably includes suffering through repeated statements as a family member. Because people like to talk about the same things when in a state of crisis. But, this is not an indication of standing still, but quite the contrary: It is a sign of the mourner dealing with their situation.
5. Keep memories alive: Just as important are the remembrances of a beloved human being or precious animal. And, you can spark incentives in this regard, as there is often nothing worse for the mourner than the realization that no one talks about the deceased anymore, just to avoid an awkward grief scenario. So, ask specifically for memories, because mourners often feel the need to talk about the last days before their loved one’s death. And, the more they talk about it, the easier it will be for them to let go. We at Mevisto have specialized in keeping memories alive, because we create jewelry that makes it possible to carry the people or animals of your heart very close to you even after they have passed away. We use hair or ashes to create this jewelry.These materials give birth to gemstones that carry in them the essence of the deceased.
6. Seek professional help: If, on the other hand, you as a relative sense that you can no longer cope with the grief process of the bereaved, do not be afraid to express this inability in a friendly and respectful way. Offer the mourner to look for alternatives together, such as mourning groups, grief companions for individual conversations or psychotherapy. However, always take into account the personal limits of your friend or family member: It is the person themselves who must be ready to take this step. Just as importantly, always take care of yourself, as living through the grief of another is a monumental task in its own right and can be extremely challenging.
7. Have patience: Grief generally decreases in a linear way. Notwithstanding, violent bouts of grief can come and go and allow all kinds of emotions to resurface. While organizing the funeral often serves the mourners as a distraction at first, they will afterwards fall into a big hole when the phone stops ringing and the condolences stop fluttering into the house. Show understanding when this happens and lend grieving adults and children your support for as long as they need it. Because grief is healed by mourning.

Special situation: giving support to grieving children

Some people find it even harder when it comes to supporting grieving children. One rule applies equally: Respect is the be-all and end-all. Because it is a misconception to claim that children do not perceive the death of persons close to them and do not mourn. Rather, it is once again important to be aware of grieving children and take them seriously in their grief and life situation. In principle, the rules applying to grieving adults apply here as well - with the difference that children often need an extra quantum of attention and affection. Many children also react to stressful changes with altered behavior that can manifest itself in uncertainty, sleep disorders or sobbing. It can then be helpful to maintain everyday structures and adhere to familiar routines, such as sharing meals, tucking the child in at night, or going on Sunday walks together. It is also essential to talk openly about death with children and to give them factual and comprehensible information. This approach also includes assuring them that they are not to blame for the death. Children should also be given the opportunity to understand the loss for themselves and to say goodbye to the dearly departed. Creative offerings or rituals can help here. Equally important is spending time together to talk about the deceased.