Star Children:
Funeral and memorial options for commemorating deceased children
You must never forget to "Look at life with the eyes of a child." - This is a quote from the French painter Henri Matisse. And, everyone who surrounds themselves with children knows that there is a lot of truth in it. Because children experience the world in a way that differs from adults. Unbiased. Intensely. With all its facets. Conversely, not only do they change the lives of their parents, but the world as a whole changes with each new citizen of planet Earth. Sadly, some children are denied the privilege of experiencing our world - and are snatched away from us far too early. Over the years, “Star Children” has become the established name for these ill-fated children. For parents, but also for siblings, the loss of a child is one of the worst experiences there is, inflicting nearly unbearable pain that often casts gloom over the rest of the survivors’ lives. We would therefore like to take this opportunity to devote ourselves to this topic, define exactly what "Star Children" are, shed light on the legal situation related to burials, and discuss options for creating memories and remembrances of these beloved family members.
Star Children: Definition
The term "Star Children" refers in particular to children who die before, during or shortly after birth. Alternative terms commonly used as synonyms are "Angel Children" and "Butterfly Children". These designations - together with the heavenly motifs of the star, angel or butterfly - indicate that these words originated in the realm of religion. Accordingly, spiritual people believe that Star Children "go to heaven”. In addition, the newly coined word "Star Child" creates an emotional demarcation from the terms "stillbirth" or "miscarriage", which were or are still prevalent in many countries due to accustomed laws on civil status. Because the fact is: Even if the child may never see the light of day, deceased babies are still human beings with whom the parents have already formed an intense emotional bond during pregnancy. Another reason why this term has spread so widely in recent years is that it makes no distinction between weeks of pregnancy, gram weight, lifetime outside the womb or cause of death. It thus unites all those who mourn the death of a beloved child.
Dealing with Star Children: Legal situation and burial
As with most sensitive topics, different countries across the globe have passed different laws pertaining to Star Children. The following description deals specifically with the laws in Austria, Germany, and Switzerland. Caution: There are some differences in this area between the individual regions as well.
- Austria: Austrian law mandates that children born dead and children who died immediately after birth must be buried. A child is considered dead or deceased at birth if no sign of a live birth is recognizable and the baby has a birth weight of at least 500 grams. The situation is slightly different in connection with miscarriages: The term "miscarriage” applies when there is no sign of a live birth and the child also weighs less than 500 grams. In Vienna, Lower Austria, Upper Austria, Salzburg, Styria and Vorarlberg, miscarried children must be buried. In Carinthia, Tyrol and Burgenland, on the other hand, there is only a right to a funeral. By the way, if a child dies immediately after birth, it is considered "born alive" if either breathing has already begun or another sign of life can be detected - regardless of the duration of pregnancy and regardless of whether the umbilical cord is cut and the placenta has been expelled or not.
- Germany: In Germany, parents of Star Children have had the ability to register the birth of their child with the civil status office, and thus give their child an official existence, since 2013. For this purpose, the previously applicable law was overturned in the wake of a petition. It had previously not been possible in obtain such documentation for stillborn children who weighed less than 500 grams at birth. In addition, miscarried children in Germany are usually not subject to a burial mandate, but must at least be disposed of in an "ethically appropriate way and in accordance with moral sentiments", as stated in the German Journal of Midwifery. By contrast, a burial mandate applies to Star Children born alive. In each of the federal states, it is also possible to give a burial to a stillborn child - even if it has a birth weight of less than 500 grams. However, the provisions sometimes vary significantly from region to region, as does the definition of miscarriages. It may therefore be advisable to look at the respective funeral laws. The German Journal of Midwifery has compiled a list that is useful in this context.
- Switzerland: Similar laws apply in Switzerland. If the child is born before the 22nd week of the pregnancy, it is not subject to registration, and a burial is not mandatory. It is, however, generally possible to give the child a funeral already if requested by the parents.
Bidding farewell to Star Children: Rituals and commemorations
If you have to say goodbye to a Star Child, you should first remember two things: Firstly: The mourning process is a deeply personal matter – it is therefore important to listen to what your gut tells you, not to be influenced by others and to embark on your own personal journey of mourning. Secondly: You are not alone with your grief! For example, you can consult professional help from such excellent resources as midwives or psychotherapists. As a complement, you can seek support from a great number of online self-help groups and forums, which have formed in recent years with a focus on this topic. They offer a haven where mourners can commiserate and give each other strength. Solace may furthermore be found in certain farewell rituals. Examples can be found at:
- Burial: If a corresponding mandate is in effect, a burial must be performed in any case. However, as mentioned before, it is usually also possible to organize a funeral if such a mandate does not apply. And, there is now a myriad of available options –
- ranging from the classic in-ground burial to cremation. Likewise, special places of remembrance for Star Children have been created in some cities - such as a community grave for miscarried and stillborn children at the St. Barbara cemetery in Linz.
- Giving the child a name: It may seem self-evident at first glance, but it is less so in practice - the need to give the child a name. Many people find this task particularly difficult when the child was a miscarriage. But, if you give your Star Child a real name, you make the loss slightly more tangible, allowing you to picture in your mind a concrete person that you can remember.
- Keeping the ultrasound image: It can also be helpful to store the first ultrasound image. Either in a special place within your own four walls or at the gravesite. The picture can also serve as a canvas for artistic expression – for example, by engraving the motif on stone or incorporating it into a collage with other mementos. A lock of hair or the wristband with the child’s name are equally suitable as keepsakes. All of these items can also be accommodated, for example, in a small box of memories.
- Creating mementos: Even more special are memorabilia that carry the essence of the deceased person inside of them. These mementos of the Star Child can help mourners to better cope with the loss and, at the same time, allow them to carry their loved ones close to them at all times. At Mevisto, we transform hair or ashes into personalized sapphires and rubies that are just as unique as the respective Star Child.
- Planting a tree: Another beautiful ritual is the planting of a tree - preferably in your own garden. Over the years, you can watch the tree grow and have an everlasting memory of the deceased child while enjoying a very special place of commemoration at the same time.
- Making a candle: Similar to the baptismal candle, a candle can also be made for Star Children - for example, bearing the name of the child, a star motif or even a photograph. Mourners can thus grieve together under candlelight.
- Making a foot or hand print: If you have the opportunity to do so, you can make a foot print or a hand print of the baby. For example, on a piece of fabric that later becomes a bag or a pillowcase or with plaster, creating a 3D print that serves as a clear reminder that these little children were brought into this world, but had no opportunity to stay.
- Writing a letter: People often find it helpful to write down their own thoughts and bid their farewell to the Star Child with a letter, wishing the child all the best for their last journey. Such letters can also be placed inside the grave or in a container that will then float away like a message in a bottle on a lake or in a river.
- Getting a tattoo: Those daring to go one step further can get a tattoo which will serve them as a reminiscence of the small human miracle they were privileged to witness - for example, in the form of two small feet, two hearts or an individual motif that will last forever.