From a card to an online book of condolence: Written and oral expressions of sympathy
Your best friend has lost her mother. Your neighbor of many years is mourning his wife. A co-worker has to grapple with the loss of a child. Situations like these require a very specific level of finesse: Our intention is to lend our support to those affected. This sentiment is important and, above all: profoundly human. But how? Many are struck with apprehension or plagued with uncertainty. What am I allowed to say or write? What is appropriate or how much is too much? And, is it better to write a condolence card or should I convey my sympathy face to face? The following post sheds light on the different expressions of condolence.
Expression of condolence: in writing or orally?
To begin with: It is generally up to you if you opt for writing a card, penning a letter, calling relatives over the phone or paying a visit to the bereaved. Some people find it easier to write down what they feel, while others will end up sitting in front of a blank sheet of paper for hours when they could have expressed their sympathy much better in a one-on-one conversation. Listen to your inner voice and establish which approach fits you best. The decision as to whether you select a written or an oral expression of condolence furthermore hinges on your relationship with the deceased / their mourners and on how you learned about the passing of the departed. If you knew the person only in passing or did not exactly have a deeply meaningful relationship with them, a condolence card or letter of sympathy are good options for trying to offer the bereaved solace. While a condolence card offers only the limited space available on a classic greeting card, a sympathy letter allows you to accommodate multiple lines just as any regular letter. No matter which option you choose, you should send your condolences promptly lest you allow too much time to pass. Another option is to give the mourners a phone call. If you, on the other hand, were close to the deceased, you will probably feel the need to pay a personal visit to the relatives in order to convey to them that they are not alone in their grief. You can also combine your visit with a sympathy card or a personal letter which you deliver to the congregation of mourners yourself. After all, a written document has permanent value and may give the bereaved comfort long after the day of the funeral. You will also have the option of expressing your sympathy orally at the graveside immediately after the funeral. Many churches have also started the practice of laying out a condolence book, allowing those in attendance to write down their thoughts. The relatives will take this book home following the conclusion of the funeral service. Increasingly complementing these physical books are condolence books that are made available online. The advantage: This option also lets people express words of personal sympathy who do not live in the immediate vicinity of the departed. People are split, however, on written expressions of sympathy delivered via WhatsApp & similar services: While the younger generation regard these channels of communication as a natural choice for delivering their condolences, members of the older generation consider them to be a no-go. You are definitely on the safe side if you choose one of the classic ways to convey your sympathy – with face-to-face contact definitely being the preferred choice.
What am I allowed to say?
Also up to you is the way you compose a condolence card or letter of sympathy or the choice of words you make for your oral expression of sympathy. Simply put, it comes down to what you feel is appropriate. However, this seemingly simple rule, these profound feelings, are exactly what makes the choice of the right words so challenging for many. This applies equally to those immediately affected and those close to the departed. The reason is that grief to many is difficult to capture, as it embodies something that is profoundly individual and cannot be concealed by distraction or the bustle of our daily lives. This is also why nobody in this world knows precisely what a mourning person is feeling at this very instant. And, this difficulty is also exactly the reason why it is hard – or even impossible – to decide which words or gestures are the most appropriate. You should therefore not put too much pressure on yourself and be aware of the following: There is, sadly, nothing you can say or do that would really change the situation of the mourners for the better. Words, after all, are no cure-all. Consequently, you should not even try to set this standard for yourself. Besides, even if you wish for the mourning person to feel better and to overcome their grief to a certain degree, your attempt to cheer them up may impose on them the pressure to be “okay”. However, it is perfectly okay not to be okay at times. This is something we have simply forgotten in the fast-paced, always cheerful and highly polished world we live in today. Therefore, be honest if you are in doubt and choose to say instead: “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you, and you can talk to me about anything. I will be happy to listen.“ In many cases, you already help the bereaved by giving them a sense of appreciation and love and the assurance that someone is there for them. But be careful: There are also people who will drown in their misery. For various reasons. However, it is not your job to rescue such individuals. Instead, situations like these require the recruitment of outside help. Address this issue clearly and with empathy. Whether the person in question will seek this professional help is not in your power.
Grief has many faces
We usually associate grief with tears rolling down our cheeks or gut-wrenching sobbing in the privacy of our room. However, grief does not mean grieving all the time. Rather, the grieving process progresses through a whole range of different emotions. From anger and disappointment to love and joy to feelings of guilt. “I wish I had ...” – a phrase frequently uttered during conversations with the bereaved. In these cases, the people close to the mourners find it excruciating to listen to the mourners while they are excoriating and despising themselves. Notwithstanding, make sure to simply listen and be there. On the other hand, refrain from giving such advice as “Don't beat yourself up” and allow the emotions to simply come and go. No matter how intense they become. One major flaw of our time is that we no longer allow emotions to come to the surface and that we push them aside or ignore them instead. Until they came barreling down on us like a hurricane months later. The better approach is to actually feel an emotion and allow it to flow in order to let it pass – when the proper time has come. As a result, give the person an opportunity to talk and provide for enough space and time for feeling.
Accept the wish expressed by the bereaved
Sincere condolences or a personalized entry into the online condolence book can literally serve the bereaved as a candle that brings light into the darkness of their sorrow. Regardless, there are situations where you should steer clear of expressions of sympathy. One such situation is when the mourners expressly ask to abstain from condolences: “We ask that you refrain from offering condolences at the grave.” In this case, offering your personal condolences imposes too much of a burden on the congregation of mourners. To circumvent this burden, those in attendance quickly leave the grave and are referred to a physical or online condolence book that allows them to express their sympathy. Respect this wish without exception!
Do good with deeds
Even though words can have the power to lend the bereaved strength in such situations, there are also certain gestures that have never gone out of style. When you visit the congregation of mourners, bring flowers or candles. Another custom is to treat the family members of the deceased to home-cooked meals – either at their house or by leaving them at their front door. Individuals who are forced to cope with the loss of a loved one are often grateful for anyone who comes to their aid and helps out with such daily chores as preparing meals. Such willingness to help out is an expression of empathy and appreciation as well. Finally, the pieces of jewelry made by Mevisto also offer an excellent option for making the grieving process the slightest bit easier on people of the heart. We use hairs or ashes of the deceased to manufacture personalized gemstones that carry in them the character of the dearly departed. A lasting memory of everything that embodied this very special person