The stages of grief
and tips on how to overcome them
Accident, illness, infirmity. There are many reasons why people are abruptly snatched from life. There is one thing all of these tragedies have in common: The pain of those left behind. At times this pain is so severe that no words can describe the emotions that come crushing down on the bereaved. However, the train of life does not stop and keeps mercilessly chugging along, never waiting for the mourners to complete their grieving process. This is exactly why the grieving process is so grueling. But, what is the best way to recover from your grief and are there specific stages? This blog post will shed some light on the topic of grief recovery and give a number of tips.
The stages of grief
No one person is like the other as all of our lives are widely different. As a result: Every grieving process is unique as well. Just the same, experts have found certain parallels and come up with models. Each of these concepts marks different emotional situations that a large number of people go through to overcome an acute state of mental pain and reach a point where their sorrow is manageable enough not to escalate into a chronic problem. Examples of the most common chronic conditions include depression, sleep disorders, bipolar disorders, psychoses or eating disorders. One psychiatrist who carefully researched the different stages of grief is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Her model comprises five stages:
Stage 1: Denial
The death of a loved one always catches us off-guard - even if we had a long time to expect it and prepare for it. During the first stage, most people are therefore in shock, cannot believe it happened, and feel helpless. This is why many people choose to deny the facts at first. This is often used as a protective technique intended to give our body and soul enough time to deal with the loss. Normally, this stage lasts a few days to a few weeks.
Stage 2: Anger
The second stage comes with a plethora of questions: Why me? Why my child? Why could my doctor not prevent it from happening? Or even: Why is God doing this to me? Feelings of anger are not necessarily bad, as they help the bereaved to recover from the pain and shift their focus. It is therefore important to allow these emotions to surface.
Stage 3: Bargaining
The ability to turn back time – that is something many of us wish they had. Others are convinced that they can make a pact with fate as if to say: “I will do something good and will receive something good in return.” Sadly, many become to wrapped up in this type of self-sacrifice that they deteriorate into compulsive behavior. This internal bargaining with your own self and life in general more often than not leads to physical exhaustion and a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Stage 4: Depression
In stage four, the bereaved slowly become conscious of their loss. Their realization leads them to become physically and mentally depressed, often resulting in serious negative effects on their everyday lives. Eating disorders, trouble sleeping, depression, social isolation or seeking relief in addiction are characteristic of this stage.
Stage 5: Acceptance
At some point, the feeling of acceptance sets in. The mourner is able to accept the situation as it is and learn to make their peace with life and their loss. The bereaved often need to reach this stage before they can find the courage to clear away the possessions of the deceased or to move their home to another location.
Grief is an individual process
But be careful: even if many cases show similar patterns, grief is and always will be an individual process. As such, this process is distinguished in no small part by the individual mechanisms and abilities used to form relationships. An equally important role is played by the culture we grow up in or with which we come into contact. Consequently, there is no one remedy that will cure all cases of grief – instead, every individual should not only give themselves enough time to grieve but also find the coping technique that works best for them personally. And, it is best to do so far removed from all conventions and expectations of others. This is because of the tendency of many societies today to dictate to the bereaved how they are supposed to mourn. However, compliance with this mandate can be detrimental to your own grief journey. Another negative influence can be exerted by relatives and outside parties if they meddle in the grieving process of others.
How to overcome your grief: Tips
There are certain courses of action that have proven to be useful. We would therefore like to give a few tips below on how you can manage your grief:
- Allow feelings to surface: Feelings of sorrow and powerlessness, and even anger and rage, may hold sway over you - especially during the first stages of your grief. Do not suppress these feelings, but allow them to happen and give expression to them in an appropriate manner. It is often helpful to talk to people you trust or to write your feelings down to get them off your chest. Physical activities such as going on walks or runs or even weight training may help as well. The key aspect here is to never suppress these emotions to keep them from worsening into depression or other types of illnesses.
- Communicate with friends and family: Communication is everything – also in the process of grief recovery. Seek solace from your loved ones, be open to join them in activities and accept the offer made by people you trust to lend you their ear. Conversely, you have the right to frankly communicate that you do not wish to be given any advice or closeness during particularly challenging times. Another option is to engage in friendships with other mourners, as shared sorrow is half a sorrow. The platform „Trosthelden“ , or Heroes of Sorrow, can help you become friends with fellow mourners, giving you an opportunity to build a valuable support system that may not only carry you through your days of sorrow, but last you for the rest of your life. Mevisto is more than happy to support this fantastic project wholeheartedly: Mevisto customers will receive a code that lets them sign up for a subscription at a discounted rate.
- Treat yourself to something good: Those in mourning often forget the most important person in their lives: themselves. You should therefore treat yourself to something good every once in a while - even while you are grieving. Take a trip, redecorate your apartment or go out to eat.
- Do not seek solace in addiction: Alcohol, medication and drugs appear to be enticing options for many to take control of their grief. However, even if the mourners initially find - at least temporary - relief from their pain, the long-term effects of these stimulants will be devastating. As a consequence, be aware that they are highly addictive!
- Accept help: Whenever you feel at a loss as to how you should overcome your grief, do not hesitate to seek the help of professionals. This is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength!
- Make time and invent rituals: If you merely keep pushing your grief aside without ever taking the time to think of your departed loved one, you run the risk of being crushed by your grief from one day to the next – for example, during periods of quiet that offer no distraction. The better approach is to reserve regular periods of time for grieving. Rituals may help in this respect, too. Some people light a candle for the deceased in the evening, while others take a stroll to the places that remind them of that person. And then there are those who think of the departed and what defined them whenever they listen to their favorite song. Yet another option is to commission the manufacture of gemstones from the ashes or hairs of the people who were near and dear to you. At Mevisto, we are experts in this field and have developed a special process for this very purpose. Each and every one of our gemstones is one of a kind, has its own distinct character and tells a unique story – namely that of the person of your heart. These gemstones allow you to keep your loved ones close to you even after they have died.